Try outs.

hindi siguro ganito kahirap.

I’m really annoyed by your existence at the moment.

I was tasked to set an hour a day to myself in order for me to be able to monitor how I’ve been behaving over the course of time. As of the moment I am very much busy with work, but occasionally I shall post some entries here for everyone’s perusal. I’ll only be posting entries for the day, but if I see fit I’d also post entries that I deem relevant enough to be read by people other than myself. So much for my introduction, let’s get on with life.

December 27, 2011

I was scheduled to meet Mr. Ruben today. He’s one of my workable clients, you see. Yesterday he messaged me to meet him in SM Makati for our tripping to Sorrento Oasis and of course I excitedly gave him an affirmative response. If ever, he will have been my ice breaking account. With that as a motivation I successfully defeated lethargy this morning and even beat the 8am cut off for the manning of the showsuites today. But even then I felt this foreboding presence in the office.

While I’m away, as my good friend has informed me, some of my team members were talking about me. If this were any other occasion I will have felt betrayed, or angry, or some other negative emotion. Not today though, and hopefully not ever again. I just had to deal with whatever they have for me because really, I don’t think could do anything to deter me from achieving what I want for myself.

I’ve mentioned that the cut off for today’s manning is 8am, this is actually 30 minutes earlier than the usual cut off. Apparently this was a test of our Sales Director. On the flip side I was one of the two punctual people in the division, the other being my manager. Our Sales Director was so angry she was yelling at all of us, demanding that each Sales Consultant [I’m one of them] bring in 2 guests for the day. I was awarded the first slot in queue, got the least off the heat from our Director and all was well.

My client tripping didn’t push through as planned and honestly it was a total bummer. Again, instead of feeling despair I channeled it into positivity. Props to me. By the time it was 7:30pm my boss had me eat lunch, it was his treat by the way. I don’t know why he was being extra nice to me, meh. It was 10:00pm when I decided that I wanted to go home. But just when I was about to leave, there came in a walk in client who was interested in purchasing a 3 bedroom penthouse suite. What. The. Actual. Fuck. I got their contact details, and they told me that if they like how I treat them and the unit itself, they would refer even more of their Korean friends to purchase from me. Again, What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Now, even if I’m tired and it’s 1am, I want to get to work before 7am so I could be on queue again. Even if I stay for more than 16 hours at work, just to get clients like the one I had. Sheesh. Such a turbulent existence I lead.

This Christmas is the one when I cried to most. No kidding. I’ve cried more this Christmas than I did the whole year, and that’s saying something. I’m not usually one to cry, but for some reason the tears just wouldn’t stop falling. You see, I have this unexplained aversion for Christmas. Although I must say that being able to know the root of it gives me some sort of closure.

I was supposed to spend Christmas alone this year. But a certain someone decided to pull some strings despite my protests. And so I went off to another family’s celebration of the holidays. I couldn’t have asked for a better family to spend Christmas with, aside from my own of course. They strove to make the atmosphere feel homey enough for me to be comfortable, treated me as one of their own, and it just touches my heart. There aren’t a lot of people who are capable of such noble acts of goodwill - I was lucky enough to find a handful of them.

I took this 3 day break from my hectic and troubling life at work to get a breather. Unfortunately this isn’t what I got. Instead it was an opportunity for me to be broken down, a chance to purge myself of unwanted emotional baggage, and a time for re-evaluation. I got to talk to a lot of people, each with their own insight on my plight and a lot of wisdom to share. In fact, the moment I got home I started trying to synthesize everything I’ve been told since I’ve been there. Quite a lot I tell you.

I saw in my little journal from a couple days back this disgusting entry: “I don’t know what I want in life.  I don’t know what I want right now.  All I know is that I’m hurting so much inside that it’s eating me, and one day, there won’t be any more of me left.  Everything that ever caused me to be hurt, I run away and hide from it.  But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back toward me. And now I don’t know what to do. I just know that the pain I tried to get away from so long ago, is hurting hundredfold.”

My present is an aggregate of all the decisions that I have made through the course of my life. What I made out of the tragedies I have been in, the opportunities I’ve been presented, and what I do with the little victories along the way is what I can reflect on. What could I have done better? Was it really worth it? Would I have done differently? I could dwell on the past all I want, but it won’t get me past the pressing matters of the now. It’s so easy to cry, and complain, and shy away from everything. And frankly, that’s what I have been trying to do. I’ve been presented a chance to be happy, to dust myself off my misfortunes and get back on my feet. What do I do? I cower and mope around. WHAT THE HELL.

It was made clear to me that I haven’t the time to slack off and feel sad, or disheartened. Because really, no one is going to get me out of this dump I’m in but myself. There are a lot of people willing to help me, and that is more than enough reason for me not to succumb to despair. As much as they are willing and eager to help me, if I don’t help myself that it’s all for naught. I acknowledge the fact that I am capable of feeling desperation and exhaustion, but I also should accept the fact that unless I do something about it things the status quo will not change.

Feed off the faith of those who believe in you.
Shut up. Face the consequences. Man the fuck up.
Hope for the best, expect the worst.
 

This isn’t the life I want for myself. Eh, all the more reason for me to just do well so I can have the choice to abandon this kind of lifestyle. I’m sorry, but you are beneath me.

was one filled with station mannings which meant that I get off work by 11pm at the earliest. By Wednesday I felt like I would collapse at any given time, and today I felt as if I’ve lost the will to do anything. But even if this week was the most tiring one to date, I enjoyed the night’s festivities.

I ALSO GET A DAY OFF TOMORROW!!!!!!! This means that I can finally go on that postponed date I was supposed to have yesterday. CHE. So there, HeeHee!~

Kinilig ako, SOBRA.

might not have been the best time to ask my doctor to take 45 cc’s of blood from me. Because of my impulsiveness I can now add lightheaded-ness, to my very sore throat, the loss of my voice, and my aching abdomen. Yes, great life decisions Jan Mikhail.

The only good thing that came off of this whole ordeal is that I’m ABSOLUTELY sure I’m clean.

Ayokong mapikon. Ayokong magalit. Ayokong mawala.